I have theories and opinions about everything. Sometimes they are based on actual experiences. All of them are subject to change based on facts and new info. I have absolutely no problem spouting theories that have very little basis in reality but when I’m spouting I’m totally sure I’m right.
Here is my current theory about relationships: The key to a lasting relationship is in finding a person with whom you have compatible acceptance of levels of bullshit.
Every person has a bunch of bullshit that goes along with them. You carry it around where ever you go. You don’t always pull your bullshit out, but it’s all always in there and it never goes away it just hides in the dark like that three year old cough drop stuck to the bottom of your purse. You don’t need it, you’d rather be rid of it, but if you pick at it you’ll get all sticky….to far with the metaphor? Or was it a simile? Shh.
Not everyone has the same amount of bullshit. And equally as important, not everyone has the same tolerance for bullshit nor even the same types of bullshit they can tolerate.
Finding a person with whom you can feasibly build a life has very little to do with love and everything to do with bullshit. Love is a bonus, bullshit is reality. It has to do with knowing yourself and at what point you are going to put your foot down and say “sorry you have just passed the level of bullshit I can deal with.”
I’m not saying you have to like all your partners bullshit. You just have to know what you are willing to put up with and what’s a deal breaker. One partner might be able to accept the fact that the other never met a toilet dirty enough to clean, can’t balance a check book and is certain the aliens are coming back for him any day now. But if he comes home late every night because he’s out watching for the aliens with his alien fearing friends it’s just not gonna work. (And that’s ok.)
Deal breakers are an important part of your bullshit and you need to be prepared when you run into them. Remember when you were just starting to like other people in that interesting sort of way that made you want to know their favorite song and what their tongue tasted like? Did you make lists of people you thought were cute? Did you write down what you wanted from a potential tongue tasting partner? Do you still do that? (only in your head, I know) Well quit it. Start a new list. Start two. List all the bullshit you will be dishing out and all the things you absolutely will not put up with from another human being. Keep your lists you might need to refer back to them at the ugliest point in your relationship because no matter how well you know someone some bullshit stays hidden for a long time and some new bullshit develops.
When the time comes and you run into a deal breaker put your foot down. Hard. Then ease up a little bit cause your partner isn’t the only one exuding bullshit around here. Now contemplate this question:
Can deal breaking bullshit be put away far enough into the deepest darkest corner of your bullshit bag so that the deal can be saved?
Say, for example, that our toilet cleaning challenged friend agrees to only go out with his alien hunting friends one night a week. Can you accept that level of bullshit? Or are any alien hunting friends at all just too much for you? And if he’s willing to give up his alien hunting friends completely, will that keep you together? Or is just knowing that he ever had alien hunting friends going to end an otherwise perfectly acceptable life where you get to clean all the toilets and you are never sure how much money you have?
And what about Mr toilet challenged? Where is his level of bullshit in all this? Can he accept that you are endlessly flatulent, and that you might go for days without looking away from the 1989 version of Legend of Zelda? Does your deal breaker list require you give up such a gem because his friends suck? These questions can only be answered by you.
The point is know yourself, stand up for your bullshit and be ok with the reality of incompatibility. Finding that right person with whom you share an acceptance of bullshit is not easy. And you may find that the only person who’s bullshit you can deal with is your own and that’s a good thing to know too.
So, all in search of someone to share bullshit with:
Make your lists. Bring both lists to your third date. Compare with your date’s lists.